I want my mommy. I want a cookie. I want some juice. I don’t want that bright light in my eyes. I don’t want that face so close to mine. I want to cry. I want to know the words. I want to be understood. I want to try that too. I don’t want to take a bath. I want to stick that in my mouth. I want to do it by myself. I don’t want to take a nap. I want to know how to tell what time it is. I want to be like Mommy when I grow up. I want to stay up later. I want a baby brother. I want Mommy to stay home from work today. I want to write on the walls with crayon. I don’t want to be yelled at and spanked again. I want to be a firewoman when I grow up.

I want to go to the park. I want to know how it feels to be grown up. I want to know what they’re talking about. I want to wear a dress. I don’t want to wear a dress. I want to wear that dress. I want ice cream for lunch. I want hot dogs with peanut butter on them. I want to stay here with my mommy forever. I want Daddy to do it. I want to tie my own shoes. I don’t want to grow up. I want Mommy to stay with me my first day of school. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want anyone to know I peed in my pants. I want that toy I saw on TV. I want to be a big girl. I want my new friend to come over after school. I don’t want to clean my room. I want Mommy to read me a story. I want a bike. I want to jump in a big pile of leaves. I want a quarter for a piece of candy. I want to go fishing with Dad.

I want to stay over at my friend’s house. I don’t want to do my homework. I want to go to the mall with my friends. I want Levi’s, not Lee’s. I want to know why he won’t walk home with me. I want to paint my room purple. I want to join the Girl Scouts. I don’t want to take swimming lessons. I want to have my birthday party at the roller rink. I want Tommy Johnson to call me. I don’t want to take the bus to school. I want a Playstation. I don’t want to move to another house, even if it is bigger and we could have a yard. I want to run away from home. I want to be an adult so I can make all the decisions around here. I want to do what I want. I want five dollars so I always have money in my pocket like Dad says. I want the same backpack everybody else has. I want a boyfriend so I’ll be popular. I want to look at that dirty book in my parent’s nightstand. I want to take guitar lessons. I want a dog. I want my own phone line. I want a TV and VCR in my room. I want to pierce something. I want to die when I bleed through my pants at school. I want my own computer. I want them to stay out of my room. I want them to listen to me. I don’t want to be treated like a baby anymore. I want to do my own laundry so everything doesn’t get ruined. I want to have my own ATM card. I want whatever they don’t want me to want.

I want to experiment like the other kids. I want to French kiss a boy. I want to act grown up so then I will be. I don’t want to want to touch myself down there any more. I want to stop thinking about it. I want my parents to stop asking me questions all the time. I want them to stop arguing about everything. I want to try smoking pot even though it smells bad. I don’t want to learn about all those subjects I’ll never need. I want some hip huggers like my friends have. I want to start practicing for my driver’s test. I want to borrow the car. I want to be asked out on a date. I don’t want to get some kind of sexual disease. I want to know how you get sexual diseases. I don’t want to do some of the things my friends are doing. I don’t want to get a bad reputation. I want to know more about sex. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. I want to go to an out-of-state school or at least far away. I don’t want to work during college. I don’t want to be anything like either of them. I want twenty dollars so I can go out with my friends. I want to believe he really likes me. I want to make sure he uses a condom. I want him not to be mad at me that I got blood on his car seat. I want to pretend to my friends that I liked it. I want him to call me again. I want him to like me but I think he likes someone else. I don’t want to see him with her. I want to know why it hurts so bad.

I want to become a social worker so I can understand our family. I don’t want to wait for everything. I want to see New York City one day. I want to come home for Christmas. I don’t want to come home for the summer. I don’t want to care what they think. I don’t want to be narrow-minded like them. I want to move out of the dorms and into my own apartment I want five thousand dollars for next semester’s tuition. I want to transfer to a better school. I want to wait to get married. I don’t want to get pregnant. I want Mom and Dad to change. I want them to meet my new boyfriend. I want to marry him. I want them to say it’s okay. I don’t want to marry him anymore. I don’t want to talk about it. I want Dad to pay for graduate school. I want to change my major and study business so I can actually get a job.

I want to move to Chicago. I don’t want to think of their house as home anymore. I want to be with my friends. I don’t want Mom to worry. I want to live right downtown where things are happening. I want my own car. I want Dad to help me by signing for a loan. I want to learn by making my own mistakes. I don’t want to move back home to save money. I want Dad to take better care of himself. I want to fall in love. I want to stop drinking so much. I want to save the world. I want to protest what’s going on in this country. I want a better job. I want to be a good person. I want to make a lot of money. I want to run this place one day. I want to finish my degree but I don’t have the time. I want to move into an apartment with three other girls. I want to go back to that bar where those cute guys hang out. I want to find a relationship where sex and love go together.

I want to see him again. I want to know him. I want to know why he makes me feel like this. I want to always remember the way his skin smells. I want to believe everything he says. I want him to feel he can come to me with anything. I want his arm around me when I sleep. I want his face to be the first thing I see when I wake up. I don’t want to take it slow. I’ve always wanted to feel like this. I want to believe this could be something. I want to feel like this forever. I don’t want get old, ever. I don’t want him to know about all the others before. I want to think of this as a new beginning. I want him to kiss me hard right now. I don’t want to think about the future.

I want to feel good about being pregnant. I don’t want to be scared. I want us to do the right thing. I don’t want to get married in a church. I want to keep it small. I don’t want to put my parents in the poorhouse with this. I want to take a fabulous honeymoon but we don’t have the money. I want to feel like a princess like it says in Bride Magazine. I don’t want to get so fat that I can’t fit in my dress. I want to grow old with him. I don’t ever want to have sex with another man. I want to have a deeper relationship than my parent’s had. I want to have natural childbirth. I want to feel the pain. I want to be friends with my kid. I want to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. I want him to cut the umbilical cord. I want to go to the hospital now. I want to change my mind about having this baby. I want those drugs. I just want a healthy baby. I want to scream. I want to be any place else. I want it out of me. I want to sleep for a year. I want to cry. I want to go home. I want my mother.

I want to breast feed for two years. I want him to have all the things I didn’t. I want to feel this connected to him forever. I want to give him anything he wants while he’s tiny. I want him to eat only organic food. I don’t want him exposed to any germs. I want him to know real love. I want to read all those parenting magazines and books people gave us and then the encyclopedia so I can answer his questions. I want him to know that we’ll always be there for him. I want his cries to be answered. I don’t want him to fear the dark. I want to know how it feels to be him. I want him to be a doctor so I won’t have to worry about his future.

I want my husband to be more involved. I want to believe we can make it work. I want him to look at me when we talk. I want to see my friends. I want to go to a yoga class tonight but I can’t. I don’t want to be fat like this much longer. I want a clean house for a change. I want a few minutes to myself. I want to be paid for this like a regular job. I want to get out of this house already. I want to go on a date with my husband. I want to go back to work. I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel special. I want him to love me like before. I want to have another baby so they can play together. I don’t want to have another baby. I want him to make more money. I don’t know what I want.

I want my father to get out of the hospital. I want him to live. I want my mother to let him go if that’s what he wants. I want him to find peace. I want him to know I’ve just been really busy with the baby. I don’t want to go to his funeral. I want to understand why I have a son just as my father dies. I want him to know about his grandfather. I want to come home right away and hug my son and husband and forget all the trouble. I don’t want to be gone from him for so long. I want to trust that my husband can take care of him while I’m gone.

I want my husband to call every day. I want him to get a cell phone. I want to know where he is. I want him to call me when he’ll be late. I want the truth. I don’t want to be hurt. I want to believe him. I want us to go to therapy. I don’t want to know her name. I want to care, I really do. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to beat the crap out of him. I want to believe in karma. I want him to know what he’s done to us.

I don’t want to be a divorced woman. I want a divorce. I don’t want to be alone. I want my son to have a father. I want to die sometimes, honestly. I don’t want any pity. I want that alimony check. I want him to show some character for our son’s sake. I want him to prove to me he’s not a complete asshole. I don’t want to get back together. I want him to call when he says he will. I want him to be sorrier. I want him to beg. I want to prevent him from seeing our son. I want to be by myself for a while. I don’t want to be angry forever. I want to forget him. I want to stop talking about our relationship with everyone. I want it to really be over.

I want to get a life again. I want to reconnect with the world. I want to find a good sitter. I want to look for a more satisfying and meaningful job but I’m so busy. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to damage my son by all this. I want my ex to have a shitty life. I want my son to hate him sometimes. I want to be a better person but sometimes I just can’t. I don’t want to be so tired all the time. I want to feel pretty again. I want to meet some new people. I want to make more than a kid just getting out of college. I want to forget that I wasted a college degree for a man, which is how it feels. I want to do more than just get by. I want to meet someone else fast so I get over the pain. I want to believe that this is the winning lottery ticket. I want to be single and childless again. I want to scream sometimes when I see what has become my life. I want to join some kind of self-help group. I want to stay away from bars because I might like it. I want to meet a nice guy. I want to know what ever happened to Tommy Johnson. I want to avoid divorced men. I want to accept my friend’s blind date idea. I want to make a good impression. I don’t want to seem too eager. I don’t want to blow it. I don’t want to see that guy again. I don’t want to date another loser so help me god. I want to sign up for one of those dating services. I want to be alone more often, but my son is always there. I want to get laid already. I want to meet my friend’s brother. I want to believe it could go somewhere. I want to believe in love again.

I want to go back to school to get my degree. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to start my own business. I want to work only part-time. I want a pat on the back sometimes. I want my professor. I want to be the best student he has ever had. I want to ask him to stay overnight but I feel guilty. I want to have some romance. I don’t want to be part of some teacher/student cliché. I want him to really know me. I want to feel again.

I want my ex to know I’ve met someone else. I want my friends to meet him. I want my son to like him. I want to take a trip, just the two of us. I want to know how he feels about everything. I want to move in with him. I want to feel that we are equals. I want to believe that even people with scars can be happy.

I want to give the kid up for adoption sometimes. I want my mom to stop giving me useless parenting advice. I want some kind of spiritual connection in my life. I want to stop going from one thing to the next. I want to find more meaning in little things. I want to be more conscious. I want to have more fun. I want a bigger house and somebody to clean it. I don’t want to work my life away.

I don’t want to hear any more lies from men. I want him to be more of a father to my son. I want him to stop calling his ex-wife. I want him to take better care of himself. I want people to stop asking if he is my father. I don’t want to always be taking care of someone. I want my son to be different from most of the men I’ve known. I want to have a small ceremony with just a few close friends. I want to wear pink. I want my son to love him. I want to feel overwhelmed with love. I want peonies on the tables. I just want one really great picture of the two of us. I want us to mean ‘until death do us part’ when we say it. I want to remember this day until I die.

I want to redecorate his house. I don’t want to be jealous of all those other young students. I want to trust him completely. I want to quit my job but I think he won’t like it. I want to ask him about his money and where it’s invested. I want to have our honeymoon in Paris. I want to be happy we’re going to Montreal instead. I want to speak French there anyway. I want another baby sometimes but he doesn’t. I want my son to grow up more quickly so we can be alone. I want to finish my degree since he’s so educated. I want to do some charity work since all of his friend’s wives do. I want my son to do better in school. I want his father to stop calling us. I want my friends to like my husband more. I want them to stop calling him ‘The Professor.’ I want my son to stand up for himself. I want him to tell me when he’s having troubles in school. I want us to be better friends, instead of mother and son. I want him to be something he’s not.

I want my mother to make a will. I don’t want her to drive any longer. I want to read more for pleasure. I want to grow up already. I want him to see a doctor about that growth. I want him to slow down. I want to enjoy our days. I want my mother to stop living in the past. I want to stop expecting things to be different. I want to appreciate all that I have before it’s too late.

I want to find a good nursing home for my mom. I want her to feel cared for. I don’t want to see her like this. I don’t want to know she’s suffering. I don’t want to ever know such loneliness. I want my father to communicate with me somehow so I can believe in the afterlife. I want her to live out her days in peace. I want her to be cremated. I want to follow her wishes and scatter her ashes on the shore near where they had their honeymoon. I want to remember her as a good woman. I want her to know I loved her even though I rarely said it. I want her to know it was a nice ceremony. I want to believe that death is only a beginning but it doesn’t seem like it.

I want to quit my job for good with the inheritance. I want the stress to end. I want him to quit teaching if that will help. I want my son to call him dad already. I want him to legally adopt my son without my asking and reminding him. I want a lot of things, I guess.

I want him to live a good long life but I’m scared. I don’t want to know the results of the tests. I don’t want to hear that it’s cancer. I want him to see the best doctors. I want him to treat himself holistically. I want to believe in god through all of this. I want my son to try harder to understand. I want to cry all the time now. I don’t want him to know that I do. I don’t want him to know about the affair I had last year. I don’t want him to think it meant anything. I don’t want to lose him. I want to save him. I want to go to Europe for treatment but he is too weak. I want to sleep at the hospital every night. I want to believe in remission. I don’t want it all to end like this. I don’t want to know this kind of pain anymore. I want my son to visit him here. I want to make him care about his stepfather and for them to reconcile their differences. I want to be holding his hand when he passes. I want him to know I’m here like I said I’d always be. I want to remember him outside of this room. I want to believe we did all we could. I want to remember that I have friends to lean on. I want to tell him how much I really did love him. I don’t want to let him see me like this and that I know it’s over. I want to love my son this much again. I want our lives to reconnect now. I want it to be as easy as just wanting. I want to let his ex-wife know it’s time. I want to be strong. I want to die too. I want someone at my deathbed who cares this much. I want a sedative but I don’t want to be asleep if he needs me. I don’t want to spend another night like this. I want god to answer for all of this one day. I want a cure for pain.

I want to start an education foundation in his name. I want to be remembered for that. I want my son to care about his own education and take the damn college entrance exams. I want him to stop chasing after girls. I want to forget these days in the hospital. I want to remember to give some money to that euthanasia group. I want to move so I don’t have to be reminded every day of everything, but I don’t want to pack it up and face the memories. I want to go back to school. I still want to get that degree. I want some time to myself. I don’t want to talk about his death anymore. I don’t want to march slowly toward my own. I want to go to my graduation in a cap and gown. I want to savor this since it took me my whole life. I still want to celebrate some things. I want to keep in touch with my old friends. I want to believe there are some good times to come. I want to feel independent even though it’s getting hard to do things. I want to stop staring in the mirror at my wrinkles. I don’t want to own this body. I want more time.

I want to know my son’s wife better. I want to know why I wasn’t invited to their wedding. I want to like her but this makes it hard. I want him to call more often. I want to ask him why he moved so far away. I want to know why he’s been so cold to me. I want to see a grandchild before I die. I want them to invite me out to visit.

I want some companionship. I want this to be a humane world where everyone cares about each other and realizes we’re all connected. I don’t want to go to any more funerals. I don’t want to think about dying any more. I don’t want to be afraid to die. I want to feel real passion again. I want my friends to come and visit. I want to get a cat but it would probably outlive me. I want to remember more of my life. I want my son to bring the new baby here. I want to know more than what’s in the pictures they send. I want more of my son than pictures on a refrigerator. I don’t want to die with so many things undone. I want to know how much time I have left. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I want to know my grandkids. I want them to know me. I want to believe in god. I want to believe in goodness. I want to believe in an absolute truth. I want peace.

I want someone to bring me flowers one more time. I want to feel that my life wasn’t wasted. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I want to appreciate that I’ve lived at all. I want to write it all down. I want to see that bright white light and believe. I want my last words to be profound and remembered. I want to start thinking of something profound to say. I want to be cremated and placed beside my second husband. I want him to know that I want that. I want to feel sure about that before I put it in writing. I want to try to understand what forever really means. I want to think I will be reborn one day. I want to see my parents again. I don’t want to feel any more pain. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to know how it will feel to be dead. I want my son’s children to be good people. I want to stop wanting. I want my mother.

 


Andrea Kampic (2019)